I truly believe we all go through times of reflection
in our lives, that are much needed breaks,
disguised as overwhelming confusion, and find
ourselves lost in the midst of it all.
The other day I was watching baby Niki and
he was just crying and hurting from his teeth.
For ( 5 ) hours I held, rocked and comforted
him until he finally fell asleep on my chest for
the next hour until his MaMa came home from work.
By the time he was asleep I just started to weep
myself. The tears poured out of me for all the
suffering of all the people I love and care about.
It seemed there was an over abundance of
suffering being endured by so many people
that seemed to trigger the tears to keep coming.
Not only our personal troubles - although
those were adding to a pile bigger then I
could see over, around or through. When
life comes to this boiling point and I cry so
profoundly I feel so meek and confused.
Then afterward I remember the meaning of
the word " Meek " which I always thought meant
" weak " !!! Meek is a state of confusion not
to be confused with anything to do with being
weak. When I read about that in a Bible study
it stuck with me and helped explain the mixed
feelings and thoughts I was experiencing when
a time of over load came my way.
I then thought maybe breaking to tears and
recognizing my state of confusion and doubt
was part of the process of being " Meek " ???
And for some reason that seemed to take
the " guilt " away from thinking I was to figure
out all the hows and why fors of it by myself.
I had grown up with the concept of " God helps
them that help themselves " and that some how
made my problems hard to " fix ". Well - it
seems that it was NOT neccesary to figure it
all out myself. I'm sure I am still to think things
through and help see the way of things and
make sound choices.
But no longer do I feel weak or guilty when I,
for sure, will and do fall short of the mark to
fix things. I no longer struggle to answer the
un-answerable plights and questions that life
brings.
I do my best to do what I can and then think in
terms of how can I make the best of what I am
facing. I no longer feel responsible for running
my life to the point I did before.
I way TOO often fall short of realizing this in my daily
life and then it bottles up over time and finally
overwhelms me and the process of tears takes place
and the cry to God is offered up followed by a
feeling of relief for letting it out finally and a sense
of not being alone anymore with the burden.
One night I was so overwhelmed with life and my
own chronic illness that I laid and cried and cried.
And all of a sudden it hit me as to the wonder of
how God Himself could endure watching us
"Humans" handle this all so poorly at times.
I was mad, confused and hurt by/at the world
and the way people ( incuding myself ) were
being so mean and nasty to themselves and
each other.
I was thinking of my own children and I started
to wonder how does God deals with all his
children acting out.
That night I also wondered if rain were the tears
of God and if God cried too ??? I knew how
much work it was to keep a family of ( 4 ) kids
behaving in a civil manner and it dawned on
me that God must be some " AWESOME "
parent to be able to hang in there for ALL of us.
I then started to cry for God, instead of myself
and my problems only. I actually felt what a big
job God had and lost the pity party I had going
on for me in the process. I figured my plight
was what it was and what does God do with all
his children and their problems. I felt I was
working at things along with God who was setting
the example and guiding me in a better direction.
What a tremendous loving and caring God we have.
I continued to think of God as my Father and
how I could go to him with all this and how he
would not forsake me or anyone else.
I knew that God was there since a was a child.
BUT that night things became clearer and I saw
things in a new " light/way " that helped me
through one of the hardest times of my life.
Some how at that time I learned a valuable
lesson in an odd round about way. I try to
remember to get through the tough days with
less stress by applying what I learned that night.
I still fall short and lose it too many times.
And then again I cry out and find rest in the tears.
Comfort comes in and allows the peace of
a restful sleep and the dawn appears and lifts
the sorrow.
" Tears may endure for the night - BUT -
Joy cometh in the morning "
I try to remember that all things happen for a
reason and that reason is most times unknown
to me and only makes it way known eventually.
Most days I feel secure in NOT knowing all the
answers and then along come the doubts and
the tears when I try too hard to do it on my own
again.
I try to be generous and kind to myself, for
after all I am only human, born to live and
learn as I go through this life trying to allow
HIS Light to shine upon me and Glorify HIS Name ~
Amen and Amen !!!
Written and Copyrighted © Daine Erdman
October 2005
Used Here With Permission
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